Surviving in 2012 – Practice the P word…

How many times do you hear people lament at the end of a day with “I really need a drink (or a break or a massage or ______ …fill in the blank)” ?

Our days are increasingly filled with hours of stop and go traffic, rush-rush-rush, hurry up and wait, dropped cellphone calls, disconnects and misconnects, voice mails, emails, texts, and interruptions – hardly what our founding fathers (and mothers) would have imagined.

Is there a key to putting aside the hustle-and-bustle so that we can enjoy moments of zen (happiness and peace) during the day?

I believe the answer lies in the “P” word – Patience – a word celebrated and recommended by formal religions, self-help gurus, and philosophers throughout the centuries.  You might find it puzzling to know that past generations would be impatient (after all, life was so much slower in years gone by), but since the beginning of time, Patience has eluded us.

Life today is increasingly complex and runs at nanosecond speed, and impatience prevails.  Its results are not pretty as it manifests  into such negative outcomes as:

• road rage (impatience with other drivers),
• disgruntled employees (impatience with bosses),
• robberies (impatience with one’s finances),
• divorce (impatience with a partner),
• fights (impatience with another or a situation),
• restraining orders (impatient outbursts),
• among others.

Impatience can be an autonomous reaction (without pause or thought) to a trigger or situation.

Patience on the other hand is a deliberate response to the same situation.  Patience calms the mind, quiets the soul, soothes frayed nerves, and allows us to focus on what we can control – such as our response.

Patience can be difficult (especially in stressful situations) – but can become natural through conscious practice.  Patience is similar to remaining calm in the midst of a storm, and in today’s “stormy” world – we have more than enough opportunities to practice!

What do you think?  Do you agree that the P word – patience – is an important survival tip?

Tags: Communication, God, impatience, linkedin, Patience, Patient, Religion and Spirituality, Road Rage, self-love, Violence and Abuse

Win/Lose or Win/Win… It’s all up to us

Am I the only one who is dismayed by the Win/Lose or “win at another’s expense” mentality today? Is it just I who does not understand the celebrations of “good fortune” gained by taking advantage?

Today, calamities like foreclosures, unemployment, disease, layoffs, deaths, tornadoes and other misfortunes are not personal or predictable – yet to listen to those who benefit from other’s losses, you’d think there must be skill in avoiding these.  Today you can be on the sunny side of the street (financially or otherwise), and tomorrow you can be down and out.  While lifetime employment used to be the norm, today millions of unemployed say otherwise.  No longer are personality, work ethics or  skills enough to stay employed – with so many Americans out of work through no fault of their own, it could just as easily be you or me!

Yet our press favors the 1% rich or those who act like them, as “winners” and disregards everyone else.  (Perhaps this sells more papers.)  For example, headlines celebrated the good fortunes of condominium bidders who “earned” a property with bids less than 10% of what owners paid for the same properties only 4 years ago.  “Properties bought for a mere $7500 that sold for over $50,000 in 2007,” boasted the article.    What about the homeowners who lost the properties in foreclosures and whose dreams of home ownership (let alone life savings) were shattered by job loss and foreclosure proceedings?  When someone wins and someone loses, our society suffers.  Sure, one side wins financially at the expense of the other, – but I believe society ends up with a net loss in terms of morale, stress, and fallout of family breakups.  (The Tampa Bay Times reported last week that the 50% US divorce rate was actually 75% here in Florida.  I wonder if there is any relationship with FL’s unemployment figures…) How does it affect our societal health when a segment of society takes advantage of others left foraging for their necessities.

A couple of weeks ago, the same newspaper described how hundreds of homeowners in Florida used a loophole to pocket insurance proceeds for vacations and luxuries intended for home sinkhole repairs.  Fraud perhaps, but legal according to Florida law – and the “proud” recipients beamed at readers from full-size photos.  The insurance premiums of all Floridians will increase because of these wins.

I believe that the universe has infinite capacity for abundance when it comes to prosperity and positive energy.  Witness the upward energy amplification that enthusiasm and optimism can generate in a crowd!  There is no indication that the universe needs to balance prosperity with misery or wins with losses.  Win /win situations lead to openness, innovation, creativity, health and increased fortunes for all.

Perhaps there is some pleasure in taking advantage?  It is really a win when success comes at the expense of a corporation, government or people.  Does it matter that it is not illegal?  Can society gain when some bend moral values to justify unethical behavior?  When winning comes at the price of an unfair (or unscrupulous) advantage is it really a superiority of wit, skill or intelligence that prevailed? More often than not – it is sheer luck or opportunity that separates the winners from losers… and if the win/loss mentality continues much longer, we will all pay the price.

Win/Win events give us Hope…

Tonight, in a departure from regular news, a network broadcast featured the story of our local Gulfport, FL idea to assist one of its own. This coming Saturday, instead of following the Win/Loss trend, neighbors are gathering at one resident’s house to repair damage from a kitchen fire, clear brush, and in the words of the homeowner “do in one day what it would take me two years to do.”  It was uplifting and motivating to listen to both the recipient and the helpers talk about the plans.  Participants are donating time, supplies, skills and equipment – all of which will create a Win/Win situation for both the homeowner and the community. 

Why are there not more Win/Wins?  It all starts with an idea, a wish for a better future, and a willingness to give rather than take for oneself.  Win/Lose may be primitive capitalism, but Win/Win benefits all.

What do YOU think?

Tags: Carol Dekkers, Communication, current events, florida, Floridians, Foreclosure, giving thanks, Health, Innovation, inspiration, Insurance, Living for today, Miami Floridians, Optimism, recession behavior, Tampa Bay Times, Times Publishing Company, Today's economy, United States

Recovery from Childhood – a Lifelong Journey…

I am a big believer in The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and his recent book The Fifth Agreement.  In summary, don Miguel teaches us to get over the seemingly innocent agreements we entered into and made (often unconsciously) in early life.  We accepted these in childhood as a done deal imposed by parents with the noble intent of “domesticating” us into submission and assimilation into a civil society.

Our parents typically raised us in the same way they were, without consideration that such ways might not prepare us to deal with the disappointments and realities of adult life.  Case in point:  life is not fair, and there are no guarantees of respectful treatment, yet many of us learned to follow the Golden Rule.  Others were taught (especially females) to take care of others first and foremost (see my previous post Put on Your Own Mask First for more about this…)  These concepts don’t hold in adult world where others are focused on self-interests (as well they should.)

The Four Agreements and The Fifth Agreement are worthwhile investments for anyone seeking to understand relationships – especially because both books explain how to work with others and ourselves in daily life.  I love the writings and the works!

In spite of studying and practicing The Four Agreements (1. Live with Integrity; 2. Don’t take anything personally; 3. Never assume (ask questions instead); and 4. Always do your best) – I face challenges to overcome “childhood teachings”- even though decades separate me from those years.  Moreover, in talking to friends both older and younger, I am not alone!

Why is it that we spend the first 15-20 years learning how to live (childhood) and the rest of our life overcoming the same?

Some people do not have childhood baggage.  I know people whose childhoods abounded with unconditional love and acceptance, and their parents treated them as the apple(s) of their eyes. As a result, one friend has so much self-esteem that co-workers tire of her incredibly healthy self-image!  Unfortunately, I think that this situation is more the exception than the rule.

Is there ever a point when our parents can no longer get under our skin, or when they are no longer the voices in our heads?

Even though I am middle-aged, I routinely get emails from my father chiding me for not calling enough (I call every week), emailing enough (I respond and send emails all the time), thanking enough for gifts (no matter that I have).  These emails bother me, and it bothers me that they bother me!  I should be used to the treatment by now… and one would think I would stop hoping for acceptance!

As an accomplished professional, I know that I am a great person – so why would I still hold out hope that my father will someday notice this?  As a child, I learned that 97% was never good enough – it was always 3% short of the perfection that meant acceptance.

Why do we keep hoping for change in others even when we know that we can only change ourselves?  Why do grown women seek approval from judgmental fathers (and often marry similar men)?  Why do grown men keep hoping they will buy that perfect gift for an unapproving mother?  Why do we strive to make our parents proud long after it shouldn’t matter?

I know that parental love is expressed by pointing out shortfalls and faults, yet I still hold onto the dream that someday just being ME will be enough.  I’m not alone in the lifetime journey of recovering from childhood and some people have it much worse. I read about similar struggles on blogs, in discussions, and in listening to friends and colleagues worldwide!

I am optimistic as I watch my son and daughter-in-law raising two daughters in a loving, accepting and supportive home, and it warms my heart as they show their princesses unconditional love.  Even so, I wonder if anyone has a childhood from which they do not seek to recover.

Wishing you a peaceful week where you experience self-love and an ongoing recovery as you move forward in your life!

Carol

Tags: Acceptance, Child, Childhood, Communication, family, Four Agreement, giving thanks, Golden Rule, Health, inspiration, Leadership, Living for today, living in the present, Optimism, Parent, self-love, Shopping, Unconditional love

Tolerance for Divas? Not on my watch…

Is it just me or are there more “diva” women around than ever before?  I am noticing that there are more “women behaving badly” who act like spoiled two-year olds with their women friends.  Often, such women attribute their abhorrent behavior to “going through a divorce” or “I’m in a bad place” as rationale for mistreating tolerant and giving friends.

I do realize that men treat women badly, and women treat men badly, but today I want to talk about women who treat non-romantic, purely platonic friends poorly – just because they can get away with it.   This came up on my radar again today when one of my best  friends called me to talk about a situation that arose over the weekend.  One of her women friends yelled at her in a parking lot and she wanted my opinion on whether she deserved it.  After listening to her (the story follows), I realized that she was subjected to “diva treatment” at the hands of said-friend and it was totally unwarranted.   As I listened to her relay how she was embarrassed, amazed,  and ultimately saddened by the way her friend treated her, I thought about how I have endured similar treatment by women who at one time I had also considered friends.

Here’s the story:

1. Jess (my friend) went out with Tracey (the one I’m calling a diva) to a beach bar for a drink before going to a party, and after ordering a drink, Tracey decided she was bored with the selection of men and wanted to leave. Jess had just started to enjoy her drink and told Tracey that she wanted to finish it first. (Diva infraction #1: Jess didn’t immediately follow Tracey’s request to leave.)
2. When they got to the party, Tracey got a phone call from her boyfriend who wanted to meet her at another place, and Tracey told Jess they had to leave immediately. Jess told Tracey that they had just arrived at the party and she wanted to stay for a few minutes to talk to a few friends they had come to see.  (Diva infraction #2: Jess asserted her right to talk to others.)
3. When they left, (Tracey stood by the door pouting until Jess was ready to leave 15 minutes later), Tracey blew up at Jess in the parking lot yelling that Jess was self-centered, selfish and really didn’t know how to be a friend!  Classic “diva” behavior!

Now if these were middle-school pubescent teens, one might forgive such an outburst, but these were mid-forties women dressed to the nines going out for a couple of drinks on a Saturday night.  If it was an isolated incident, maybe one could attribute it to an error in judgment.  But this isn’t isolated behavior – it is classic, spoiled, mid-life diva-esque behavior on the part of those who never grew up.  Unfortunately, those of us who were taught to tolerate others often forgive this type of behavior until it spirals out of control.  As a result, we end up having to release such toxic friendships, with the result being a smaller and smaller cadre of friends to hang out with.

In the end, my friend Jess was disheartened and asked what it was she did wrong; what had she done to incite Tracey’s outburst?  She even pondered what it was she did to “deserve” such treatment. (Jess is one of the most tolerant, and giving human beings I know!)  The answer is that it was not Jess’ fault for Tracey’s bad behavior and there is little she can do to prevent a future outburst (aside from trying to talk to Tracey about how she feels.)  More than likely, Tracey has always gotten away with such tantrums and sees her behavior as “normal”.

I had a friend Lisa this past year who was just like Tracey – she would leave any occasion the minute that she was not 100% entertained or if the men in the room did not adore her “accoutrements” (she used to tell me that “any guy who does not stare at my chest must be gay”). It became too much of a burden to tolerate her diva behavior: she bored way too quickly, was entirely self-absorbed, and she would abandon me the minute a good-looking potential boyfriend walked into the room.  I realize that there are simply too many middle-aged “divas” looking for new friends they can abuse and I am simply no longer up for it.  Saddly, there are others like my friend Jess who are finding out the same thing (even though this was the first major blow-up at Tracey’s hands.)

It occurred to me that women often treat their “friends” much worse than others would tolerate, and it is those of us who are givers (and over-givers!) who suffer the most at the hands of these “divas”.  We misguidedly take responsibility (and blame) for the bad and immature behavior of others – and it has nothing to do with us!

As Jess and I talked, I thought about a stand of trees in a forest – some trees tall and strong, others tall and brittle, others large and looming.  The trees that are strong and tall simply bend and sway in strong winds without complaint. The tall and brittle ones tolerate minimal wind with branches snapping at the slightest breeze.  Jess and I and Tracey and Lisa and other women are all part of a similar forest.

Some of us have grown up to learn to tolerate the tirades and verbal abuse of others – and we learn over time that wind and storms are not about us – they simply surround us.  Others, have somehow grown up to feel they are privileged to deserve special, sheltered treatment and who blow up at the slightest breeze.  Most often, these “divas” justify their right to snap and behave badly by blaming others for even the smallest breeze.

Going forward, I believe that as women, we need to stand up for the givers among us and say “no more!” to the divas who treat us poorly. Slowly we can hopefully change the world…even if it is one diva at a time.

p.s., Here’s a link to the Self-esteem: Personal  bill of rights – a great reminder that we deserve great treatment from others – especially ourselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7Zw99gPKvs

Have a great week!

Carol

Tags: Arts and Entertainment, Diva, friendship, People, Saturday, Toleration, Tracey, women

Gaslighting – A message to Women from a Man: You are not “crazy”

I seldom write a column that purely features another’s post, but today is an exception.  I came across the following Huffington Post article and it resonated so well with me that I have to share it with you.  It is called:

A message to women from a man:  You are not “crazy”

A few excerpts follow below…  I am intrigued by the article for a couple of reasons:  1. The author (from his name and photograph) does not seem to be of Western descent which makes his candid (and true) observations even more relevant and powerful based on traditional views of women outside of the west; and 2. I have no idea why it would take another male to tell me that I was never crazy (or why I ever believed that I was crazy when males I loved needed a scapegoat for their bad behavior.)

Here’s an excerpt from Yashir Ali’s post:

A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation, pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

WOW – OMG – holy crap!!!  And I say that in all honesty!

I do not have a litany of male relationships in my past on which to draw (my father, a 23 year marriage that ended in divorce, a 5 year relationship, dates here and there) – but all of them (and I’ll include my mother here) – told me that I was overly sensitive, irrational, and crazy should I ever address or question what my heart told me was bad behavior.  The statement above confirms what I always thought but never dared to speak:  emotional manipulation is about the sender and their need to cover for bad behavior.  It really has nothing to do with the receiver!

What is it in “our” (at least my) female DNA that reduces and diminishes powerful business women (like me) to a whimpering mess when a significant male in our personal lives repeatedly tells us we are crazy?  Why do we believe things about our person as being true just because someone we love spews vitriol at us?  We are forces to be reckoned with and have taken our places aside men in the professional world – and thrived! – yet we are reduced to tears (and accept the treatment) in our personal life by males who we would easily challenge (or report for abusive behavior) if we met them in business.

Why do we so readily give away our power, override our intuition, and accept lies from people when we fall in love?  More and more I believe in the adage:

Love IS blind!

Another excerpt:

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

Do me a favor, read the article here,

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy”

and let me know what YOU think.

I feel relieved to know that I am not alone with the emotional manipulation of my past, however, it pains me to know that it may be so prevalent that it might be an epidemic!

I wonder if we attract dysfunctional people into our lives… and whether there is hope for the future.  I can only speak for myself but I know that I am hypersensitive to anyone who walks, acts or in anyway resembles my exes.

What do you think?

Carol

Tags: Behavior, Cultural intelligence, DNA, Emotion, Epidemic, female engineers, Gaslight, giving thanks, Globalization, Huffington Post, Leadership, living in the present, Optimism, People, Psychological manipulation, Toxic people are not part of my life

The top 10 affirmations for 2012… The “Royal We” Checklist

2012 is already starting to be an awesome year – and it’s only two days old!

Instead of having a list of resolutions about what I want to change about myself and my current situation, I want to follow my advice about self-love by practicing what I preach.  In other words, “walking the talk”, doing what I say I am going to do, being consistent and living with integrity – well, you get it.

A bit of background…

I spent most of my life being told:

• what to believe (a strict no-questions religious upbringing),
  
• how to feel (“Carol, you should feel happy about …”),
  
• how to dress (vanity is the work of the devil),
  
• why I do what I do (“you are purposely making me late so that you will make me embarrassed”),
  
• how to be a friend (“you have to be a friend to have a friend” – ignoring the fact that I had any rights in any relationship not to put up with verbal or other abuse!),
  
• how much others loved me (“I’m only telling you this for your own best interests because I love you so much”), and
  
• how much more they knew about me (“I know you better, Carol, than you know yourself”),
  
• and so much more, and the worst part of it all was that
  

I believed them and allowed these people in my inner circle of life to override my intuition and self-love.

For most of my life, I put more credence into what others purported (and sometimes yelled to insist) to know about me, that I became invisible. In my personal life, I became the amorphous amoeba-like people pleaser that everyone else wanted me to be, and in the process, I fell-asleep to the wonderful, incredible, creative person who is me.

I woke up six years ago (and am happily divorced!) and have been on a path to self-discovery and acquainting myself with the Royal We (me, myself, and I) from whom I have withheld true love since birth.  It has been too long without self-love!

2012 is the Year for Us!

2012 is going to be my year of affirmation and true love for the Royal We, and because of this goal I am already a happier, healthier person.  I share my Royal We checklist with you in the hopes that your journey of self-love can advance to a place where you can become the great person you already are (and just don’t yet know!)

The Royal We Checklist

1. WAKE-UP:  Did I begin the day truly thankful to be in the company of the Royal We?  Did I thank myself for one great characteristic that I am proud to have?

2. GOOD MORNING!  Did I look at myself in the mirror and notice at least one great physical attribute? (I love how my eyes sparkle!)

3. PUTTING ME INTO THE DAY:  Have I planned my day to include at least one totally selfish, self-indulgent pleasure that I can do without anyone else? (It can be as simple as walking down to the seashore for 5 minutes because I live near the water or making sure that I look up at dusk to enjoy the sunsets that I so love!)

4. CHOOSE TO SHARE UNCONDITIONALLY: It is MY choice throughout the day whether or not to share a great aspect of the Royal We with anyone else – to give, to smile, to complement, to help, to be courteous – and if so, it is my gift to the world without conditions or strings attached.  If others choose not to receive or accept graciously, or reciprocate, that is THEIR choice and it has nothing to do with the value of my gift.

5. STOP THE GUILT programming from the past about anything in the present by affirming that the Royal We have rights!  We have the right to our own earned income (the Royal We works hard), good food (yes, we deserve to indulge in our favorite cheese even if it is more expensive), good friends (who respect us and affirm us) and great experiences that  we can afford.  The life I am living today with the Royal We is the only life we have.

6. THE ROYAL WE COMES FIRST!  Remind myself that I am the only one who can or ever should put the Royal We FIRST!  It was a lie that I was taught to put others first and that then others will put me first – it is not the way that life works!  It is a right of life that I should “put on my own mask first” before helping others… and it is about time that this becomes instinctual! (Sidenote: it is not a reflection on oneself when you have to terminate a “friendship” or other relationship that is toxic or off-balance or providing no value… it is a reflection on the incapability of the other person to be a friend to us.)

7. CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY ALONE WITH THE ROYAL WE.  We are on this earth to be happy – to make heaven on earth… yet so many others attempt to make it a living hell for themselves and others!  I choose to be happy today and everyday – content with the satisfaction that I am always in the great company of the Royal We!

8. LOSE THE ANTICIPATION and expectation of anyone outside of the Royal We. While “we” grew up with the Golden Rule and a giving nature, it is not an universal belief.  The only change I can make in life is about me – not about anyone else, and THAT IS OKAY!

9. STAY COGNIZANT THAT WE ARE ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN BEHAVIOR. When others behave badly, as they inevitably will – it is THEIR responsibility (not ours) to clean up the mess without our involvement!  Just as we must take ownership of our own doings, others are responsible for:

• their actions (yelling, berating, ranting),
• their words (especially when negative, disempowering, disrespectful),
• their tantrums (stomping, screaming, pouting, silent treatment),
• their lack of support, and
• their judgments!

When the person in question is over the biological age of 2, remember to be thankful that we have the Royal We to hang out with.

 10. LOVE THE ROYAL WE COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY!  I am reminded of the mom-ism (a saying from my mother): “remember wherever you go, there you are!”  Finally at this awakened point in my life — I am truly grateful this is true.

WE, (The Royal We, that is) are going to have an incredible year and we hope that you do too!  Happy 2012!

Carol

Tags: choices, Communication, Cultural intelligence, culture, giving thanks, Globalization, Golden Rule, gratitude, Health, Mental health, Online Writing, Organizations, Personal life, Poetry, Pro-Life, Relationship, Relationships, Romance, Self-Help, self-love, United States

2011 in Quotes…

In my training classes, I use a lot of analogies to illustrate key concepts – sometimes with metaphors, other times by storytelling or “painting a picture” using language.

Analogously, 2011 for me can be described by a few relevent quotes… (which follow below).  I’d be interested to know if any of these ring true for you as well.

2011 in hindsight…

I will remember  2011 as a “revolving door” year.  It was a whirlwind of experiences as new and old people in my life interacted to form a patchwork quilt of experiences in love, friendship, career, work, finance, relationships, travel, challenges and fun.  While the “revolving door” represents the series of people, places and experiences that came, went, or lingered; sometimes the door revolved so fast it made my head spin.  I hope to finish the year ultimately ahead, but it was not an easy year.

As a year goes, 2011 was one of

• Good (some great people such as my kids, my brother Dan, my parents, incredible true friends in Florida and around the world, and new acquaintances);
• Bad (the incompetent “little boy” realtor and a “fake” friend who highly recommended him hoping to get a kickback; self-centered acquaintances and family; lawyers); and
• Downright Ugly (hypocritical and greedy U.S. banks; in-your-face disrespectful building inspectors — beware if you need an inspector in Pinellas County FL!)

2011 in Quotes…

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go… Some people move our souls to dance, they awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom… Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our hearts for a while, leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same…” — anonymous.

“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” – Katharine Hepburn

“Life is a series of moments. To live each one is to succeed.”  – Corita Kent

“There comes a point in life when you realize who matters, who doesn’t, and those who never will. There is a reason that people from our past did not make it into our future.” – anonymous

“The cure for boredom is curiosity… there is no cure for curiosity.” – Ellen Parr

“The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” – Samuel Johnson

This one is particularly true with the state of the world economy and how it interferes with some of our best laid plans for adventure:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

And, finally one of my own:

“I would rather be financially poor and emotionally rich, than the other way around… one can always print money.” – Carol Dekkers

HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON WHEREVER YOU LIVE, WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE…

and wishing you a 2012 filled with health, wealth, wisdom, and great adventures!

Tags: Corita Kent, florida, Mark Twain, Pinellas County, Pinellas County Florida, Revolving door, Samuel Johnson, United States

What the blog?

Why blog?  I do it to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak) and now, I’m really not sure that’s enough to keep doing it…

One reason I starting writing this blog many, many posts ago was to connect with people, gain some traction, get some comments, and just maybe even create some sort of community discussion of sorts on a topic of mutual interest.  Little of this has happened with any of my posts, yet I continue to pour out my thoughts to a massive non-listening, disinterested internet public.

Sure, it provides some sense of accomplishment for me when I can say “I blogged today” in answer to “Did you have  a productive day? … but increasingly that’s just not enough.

So in this last month of 2011,  I remember the Einstein adage (apparently while this saying is attributed to him, he didn’t actually say this, but nonetheless):

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In 2011, I tried different things with this blog:

1. I wrote about a variety of things to see if the results would be different – nope, same (non-)readership.

2. I started posting comments and links on other people’s blogs – no difference in readership or reciprocal links.

3. I promote the posts on Facebook, twitter and LinkedIn – no different result, not a blip of difference.

4. I tried posting my views on a few “controversial” subjects to spur interest, but that made no discernible difference either.

I’m tempted to stop posting altogether, and I suspect the non-readership won’t notice.

If you are reading this, thank you for doing so.  If you take the time to comment, thank you even more.  If you care whether or not I continue writing, please say so, because my ‘invisible’ blog doesn’t give a boost to my productivity.

Maybe I’ve missed the boat altogether and blogging is like life, some people score hits and others aren’t even picked for a team. I’m beginning to think that my writing is mediocre at best (it’s okay to tell me so and save me the ongoing disillusionment!)

Meanwhile, today, in the ignorance of not knowing where I sit in the spectrum and feeling utterly invisible in the blogosphere, I can only mutter to myself, “What the blog?”

Have a great weekend!

Carol

Tags: blog, facebook, linkedin, Methods of website linking, Online Communities, Social Networking, twitter, Writing

Where have all the Young Girls Gone…

Where have all the young girls gone?

This phrase from the popular song “Where have all the flowers gone” by Pete Seeger in 1961, came to mind this week as I am in Thailand visiting my daughter who is teaching sixth graders their core curriculum subjects in English.  I am so proud of her and the other foreign teachers who are here: bright, twenty-something college graduates, citizens of the western world.  My daughter is here for at least four reasons: 1. She was tired of using her Honors English credentials (from a top US college) to land bartending and after-school jobs, 2. Promising leads turned into fruitless endeavors (even though she graduated the top of her class) ; 3. She wanted to make a difference where her contribution mattered, and 4. The Thai government and the King have a mandate for all high school graduates by 2020 to be fluent in English. (More about this point later.)

It has been two months since she arrived and my daughter is thriving – she is enthusiastic about life and the future, she eagerly designs lesson plans, and she is passionate about teaching and instilling a love of learning in her students.  The challenges of a foreign language, new customs, and classroom discipline (her students are typical unruly 12 year olds) are minor in comparison.  It is a great thing for a parent like me to behold!

Opportunities abound – overseas

More and more of our professional young people from the Western world are becoming expatriates, and moving overseas to contribute positively in today’s world.  Your response might be, “Good for them, see the world, then they’ll come back home and simply appreciate all they have in America,” which couldn’t be further from the truth.  Many of these young superstars may look at the world outside the US with fresh eyes and see opportunities that the US only once provided in the past. More often they read the news from home on the internet and wonder why it took them so long to leave in the first place.

We are no longer the world

As one of the world’s current superpowers, we are failing our youth and continue to be ignorant of the fact that what made our nation great is eroding in corporate greed, survival of the rich, disdain of social welfare, and ignorance.  Unemployment hovers as two digits in most states, the American dream is in foreclosure, food stamp distribution is soaring, governments fight for partisan wins, and peaceful demonstrations erupt in police brutality. Europe, at the same time, struggles as their financial house of cards readies to tumble at the slightest wind. The rest of the developing world, meanwhile, progresses towards their own sustainability and adapts to a changing world climate:  the BRIC (Brazil, Russia, India and China) countries are propelling ahead in their economies and embracing technology – and English – like never before.  Our dollars, while still returning more than half of what we invest overseas (USA today article cites $.55 return on investment for every dollar produced in Chinese goods), are sought by developing nations, whose citizens yearn for our lifestyle and prosperity. On top of this, many Americans have little interest or regard for what is happening beyond our borders. (Take a look at Thomas Friedman’s books from “The World is Flat” to his latest “That Used to be US” for a NYTimes foreign correspondent’s expert view on the diminishing influence of the US in the world.)

Case in point, the third world is embracing English and western ways like never before:  Korean universities now offer English language technical curriculums to keep academic spending at home; Chinese universities include golf as a core subject; India and China feature sold-out IT conferences on weekends; and the MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) open university lectures are viewed over the internet by thousands of third world students. While the world embraces English as a second or third language, we are struggling with illiteracy with English as our first.

What is happening in the US?

Moreover, what do we offer our nation’s aspiring youth?  Unemployment, video games, government ignorance, and outright police violence (with little consequence) when there are peaceful “Occupy Wall Street” demonstrations.  What is happening in America today?  As the upper class professionals shutter their windows to silence the cries of the starving and burgeoning lower class, and the middle class erodes into homelessness while foraging for work, our youth – proud college graduates eager to contribute to our society – are quietly exiting because they cannot find good jobs, or worse, giving up!  What kind of America will we have tomorrow if our brightest stars twinkle overseas and make a better world elsewhere?  Who will lead our nation into a sustainable future until the politicians finally wake up and realize the poverty and suffering in our own backyard?  All of this depends on a government who, for the sake of its people, can suspend the trivial blue-red bickering.

English fluency, a novel thought…

It is very interesting to note that the Thai government mandated English fluency for high school graduates by 2020.  What a forward thinking initiative for a country who first language does not even use the western alphabet!  Whether or not they meet this goal is secondary to the fact that this Asian nation recognizes that English is the language of business and technology.  Can you imagine if the US government mandated this same goal for our schools?  As a melting pot nation, I believe that we ought to recognize that English is the international language of business and technology – just so that we can compete in the world.  Instead, I believe that we focus so much on political correctness in favor of minority rights that we fail to recognize the benefits we could gain if all of OUR graduates were fluent in English.  Just food for thought.

Pride in our youth

You might not agree with me, but the previous observations are real and I do not see the situation for our young people getting better.  Open any newspaper today and read about the demonstrations, government corruption, crime, economic distress, foreclosure nightmares, whining of the rich/poor, national woes and international wars, but nowhere will you see the success stories about our youth abroad and the strides they are taking for other nations.  I am proud of our youth who have the fortitude to demonstrate peacefully at home, study relentlessly to earn their degrees, work at sub-poverty jobs to make ends meet hoping to score a job where they can use their skills, and then finally emigrate overseas where their contributions are truly valued.

Our youth should be our pride and joy and a priority.  If we can’t wake up our nation’s leaders to the value and the incredible contributions our youth could make at home for a decent wage, we ought to applaud the rest of the world for doing so.  It may take our government years to glance up from their Republican / Democrat score sheet and realize what is happening, but when they do, it may be too late. As more of our nation’s youth move abroad while the youth of other nations study at home, it is only a matter of time before we import more than we export.  Maybe then, someone in power will look around and ask, “Where have all the young girls gone?”

Wishing you a healthy and productive week!

Carol

Tags: Carol Dekkers, Communication, computer science, Cultural intelligence, current events, Globalization, inspiration, Living for today, Today's economy, United States

Dear Daughter, Lessons from a female engineer (part 3)

This is a follow-up to two postings I did in January 2011: Dear Daughter, Lessons from a female engineer (part 1) and Dear Daughter, Lessons from a female engineer (part 2).  Now that it is almost the end of the year, I find myself with more thoughts, so I hope you will enjoy this latest installment.

Dear Daughter,

You are so lovely and grown up, and it is a joy to watch you fulfill your hopes and dreams!  Godspeed to you and the wonderful life you have made.

As with my earlier posts, I hope that you do not mind the mom-isms below – take them or leave them as you will.  My purpose is simply to share with you some of my hard-learned lessons in the hopes that you might avoid some of my missteps.

If I repeat myself or seem to overemphasize certain points, please consider that my memory is not as sharp as it once was, and that it’s been several months since the last post to you. So here goes:

• Follow your dreams!

When you set out on a path that leads to your dreams, do not be swayed by short-term failures, missteps or naysayers.  There will always be those who stand in your way of reaching your goals, (because they have their own ideas for you,) but they cannot live your life.  Friends, lovers, family, and others who do not support you may need to be set aside while you follow your dream. Some of these will pick up the pace and choose to support you – embrace them; others will continue to call out from behind – ignore them.  You need positive people in your life, not drama queens with their own agendas.

• Do not stop doing something new out of fear

Fear of failure or of the unknown or fear of “what people will say” often are unfounded fears that stop us from doing exactly what we need to do (to move forward in our life).  We are raised in negativity (I apologize for continuing this cultural trend!) Did you know that by the time a child is two years old, on average he/she has heard the word “no” over 67,000 times?  This is not a good trend for later life! 

If you entertain thoughts about failure, balance them out with the joy of outstanding success — and you’ll find that the fear subsides.  And, if you hold a fear of “what people will say,” then you are not the daughter I know. You always try new things, challenge the boundaries, and succeed beyond all expectations.

This mom-ism is more intended for me!  I need to overcome my childhood where the constant reminder was “don’t do that – imagine what the neighbors will think!”  I now no longer care what my neighbors (or anyone else for that matter) think, and I relish in the independence and freedom that comes from this new insight.  I find that the best experiences in life come when you are doing what you want to do, not what others expect.

• Be confident that you are exactly where you are meant to be
  

I love that you did not marry the first person you fell in love with, and that you are waiting until you find the right person (and are not settling for less!)  I also know that we do not choose who we fall in love with, but it is up to us to make sure that we take care of our own well-being first before we dive into a full relationship with such persons.  If someone you love wants to change “you” to suit their needs, know that this is not true love – it is controlled or conditional love.  The love that I wish for you is a love that is unconditional, pure, giving, and accepting, where you can keep up both yourself and your integrity.  The potential for co-dependence, unfortunately, came with your genes (I apologize!) and as with all hereditary traits, takes vigilance to keep at bay. You are a whole, complete, and perfect person just as you are, and your choice of a partner should complement the true you!

• Forgiving does not mean forgetting

The saying that “forgiveness heals the forgiver” is absolutely true and I urge you to forgive as often as you can to stay emotionally sane in an insane world. People will disappoint, hurt, be cruel, and inflict pain on you – and often do so ignorantly or without caring about the impact on you.  The act of forgiveness allows you to move forward and realize another’s missteps, without necessarily allowing them back into the same place in your life.  Forgiveness means saying “I feel hurt by you, but I forgive you and can move on” but it does not mean “I will forget that you ever did this to me.”  Serial forgiveness of an habitual hurt is a different story — remember the adage “fool me once, shame on you… but fool me twice, shame on me” .  I believe this means that we should forgive an offender once (giving them the benefit of the doubt that it was an accidental occurrence), but a second time requires vigilance and a memory on our part.

• You can never have too much self-esteem

Pride, arrogance, and vanity are not the same as self-esteem, yet they were interchangeable for many of our childhoods.  Self-esteem is confidence in oneself that comes from within, and cannot be gained from the approval of others.  If we encouraged our youth to have better self-esteem, we would see gang problems decrease (as people would no longer need gangs for approval) and bullying would drop dramatically if insecure people did not feel the need to prove themselves.

Safeguard your self-esteem and keep it fully charged – it is like the story of the cookie jar I’ve mentioned before. Keep your own cookie jar brimming with cookies (take care of your own needs first) before filling the cookie jars of others (giving your time and energy to others).  When you have high self-esteem, everyone benefits because you can give freely without resentment, and you can face disappointment because you understand that the reactions of others have nothing to do with you.

• Relationships of all kinds depend on a symbiotic give and take

If you find yourself in a relationship (love, friendship, family) where you are giving or taking more than 50% over a long time, it’s time to re-evaluate whether the relationship is healthy for you.  When one person gives more than their share (more than half) and the other takes more, it is only a matter of time before resentment sets in. The giver will one day wake up to the fact that they have given too much and resent his or her own part in this over-giving and resent the other party (even if they love him or her) for over-taking.  Neither over-giving or over-taking is a healthy situation, and as a former over-giver I can attest that it takes a long time to get over the tendency to over-give and to forgive myself for doing so much over-giving in past relationships.  I want more happiness for you in your relationships!

• Understand that it takes many people many more years to arrive at their “Truth”

We all find what we believe to be “the truth” of life almost as if it was a paragraph inscribed in a stone tablet. Our Truth embodies our values, our principles, our precepts, our boundaries, and sets a level above which we expect all others to adhere.  Unfortunately, your truth is strictly yours alone and just as no one else in the world has the same life experiences as you or I, no one else will have discovered this same truth. Some people never discover a truth at all and amble along in their life like a “pinball” in a pinball machine – being tousled by outsiders who tell them what he/she ought to feel or do according to the outsider’s truth.  Others come to realize their truth based on their life experiences or lack thereof and become entrenched in a belief system that negates all others who do not uphold their truth.  You can see evidence of this everywhere with extremism even in our society.  Value and hold dear the truths that you discover, and know that no one else will share the same truth or be as passionate as you are about it.  Respect and understanding go a long way in life, and really hold off the disappointment I often feel from others.

• In closing…

I hope that you can glean one or two nuggets out of this mountain of words I wrote to you today.  Hindsight is 20/20 and I hope that your life moving forward can be a wondrous adventure filled with sights, sounds, and experiences that take your breath away.

In love and kindness,

Mom

p.s., It is a wonderful achievement to say that I love my life!  And it’s stellar with you and your brother in it giving me moments that take my breath away every day!

Tags: Carol Dekkers, choices, Communication, culture, Dear Abby, Dear Daughter, facebook, female engineers, Forgiveness, Global Teams, Globalization, Health, Living for today, living in the present, Love, Optimism, Relationship, self-esteem, Self-Help