Last week, Forbes published an interesting article titled: Why Women are the Worst Kind of Bullies:
What do YOU think? My first reaction was:
Charlie Brown’s Lucy (or worse)… in the workplace
If you grew up in North America, you are probably familiar with the cartoon character “Lucy” from the Charlie Brown series. Lucy would run roughshod over her “frenemies” and friends, coddle up to her crush Shroeder, and generally disregard the feelings of anyone in her path (especially Charlie Brown, who she would ridicule and torment with endless promises to hold the football!) Lucy was so ignorant of her own hostility that she even appoints herself the go-to problem solver with her “The Doctor is In” lemonade stand. (No matter, Lucy was still a bully.)
The topic of bullies is front and center these days thanks to the philanthropic efforts of Lady Gaga and Oprah at Harvard, the recent release of the documentary “Bully“, and a rise of suicides linked to cyber-bullying. But bullying is not confined to schools – in fact, workplace bullying traditionally has been categorized and addressed as sexual harassment, if at all. Adult bullying can take many forms such as narcissistic bosses (see my post: Walking on Eggshells – Source of Back Pain?), harassment, group think (pressure to conform to the wishes of the group), and biases against minorities/gender/age, etc. The article in Forbes cites a much more insidious, everyday situation of workplace bullying where women don’t just usurp other women, but can even create hazards and obstacles for others.
It’s not a “Catfight”…
As a female, mechanical engineer by training, and an IT consultant and international speaker by experience, my career has not been traditional. While it is common knowledge that men are intimidated by strong, confident women when it comes to relationships (I am seldom asked out by professional, single men), it is less frequent in the workplace. When it is, I have found that in a male-dominated, professional workplace there is a direct and honest response – either the team embraces professional women or they do not. Seldom when men are involved do I have to “guess” whether I can fit in and be productive. At this point in my career, I have a name and a solid reputation in my industry, so I find that men will typically accept (and sometimes even celebrate) me on a team and see the positive contribution (there are exceptions of course!)
Stereotypically, it has not been the same situation with women who are on par or above my level – and that has been a source of confusion and at times, “shock and awe”. In some professional (and more often in personal) situations, same aged women, on the surface, have welcomed me with open arms offering their friendship and help, then reached behind to stab me in the back, and in the process they never stopped smiling. Sometimes it’s no wonder that men do not understand – I do not understand and I’m a woman!
It is a strange thing… granted, men and women everywhere will step on and use others to get ahead (is it human nature or nurture?) – but the behavior is different. Men will more often attack head on, directly and consistently; there is no question about their intentions or offensive behavior. Predictable, consistent, stab you in the chest. I can accept that and take action to avoid the pain.
What is more difficult to deal with is the in-your-face-nice girl accompanied by the reach-behind-your-back to stab you behavior that women (again stereotypically) use on other women. While we women are confounded to make sense of female-on-female treatment by our own gender, men often trivialize the behavior as a “Catfight” (thereby marginalizing it as hormones raging out of control.) There is far more to the behavior than meets the eye, and it is an area undergoing frequent research (with few answers!)
When I look ahead to my daughter in the workplace, I realize that technology advances have not changed the human interactions (in fact they create less face to face communication). Our workplace and human relations are really not much different today than 30 years ago. Given my experiences, I posted several articles which may be of interest:
And I found several other interesting posts from others:
And of course, the recent maelstrom of frenzied activity stemming from the UK Mail post:
The question: “Why are females mean to other females?” is today either avoided or hotly debated, but the fact remains that the situation won’t simply go away by marginalizing it as “Catty behavior” or ignoring it all together.
As women, we have enough to deal with in life being parents, co-workers, survivors of the economy, caregivers, neighbors, significant others, and just plain noble citizens without having to watch out for other women gunning to get us!
In the words of Rodney King (the focus of the LA Riots 20 years ago) – Can’t we just get along?
Finding a good team of like-minded people!
I am fortunate to now be a part of a wonderful team at QSM, Inc. with confident, powerful, assertive women who are not intimidated or jealous of other professional women. Our multi-disciplinary, gender balanced team is forward thinking and definitely supportive of each other. I am blessed to say I’m on the same team with several high-powered, direct, accomplished, and supportive women – it is a dream come true!
The Way Forward…
I believe that women need to learn to start supporting other women, and we need to stop stereotyping men as the culprits to the bullying phenomenon.
It reminds me of the situation regarding minority cultures who point to other cultures and races as the source of their problems (that they cannot solve), when the answers realistically lie with working within their own community to create solutions.
This brings to mind the saying popularized by the Pogo cartoon: “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
As popular self-help gurus point out, when you point a finger at another, there are four fingers pointing straight back at you! As women and mothers, I believe that we need to start a movement (even a movement of one!) that nurtures, boosts, and supports other women – at home, work, and everywhere. Such a movement of women (and supportive men) would take our country and our workplaces into a brighter future!
Today, take the first step to say a kind word to another – you just never know what that might lead to (especially if that person met a bully only moments before!)
Have a great week,