Tag Archives: Secret

We don’t “attract” the wrong people…

23 Feb

I am living proof that the Law of Attraction (Think and Grow Rich, The Secret, etc.) combined with The Four Agreements and other philosophies work! My life is moving in the right direction with the right people around me, but my happiness journey has not been without its detours and potholes.  My divorce was the beginning of the journey, although I didn’t realize it at the time.  After a quarter century with a self-absorbed husband, I found myself alone with an out-of-control 17-year-old son (his father was my ex who moved away immediately), a stalled career, and ruined finances.  I could only imagine a better life – and today, just six years later, I am finding happiness.  My son is healthy and thriving, my daughter has found a great career, my career is back on track, I have found true friends, and life is good.

It has not been a “cakewalk” – my journey is ongoing, frustrating (at times), lonely, enlightening, exciting, and disappointing, but I am happier than I have ever been. Along the way, the books mentioned above gave me great insight about life when taken in moderation.  However, with books like The Secret, there are overzealous supporters who believe (and spout) myths about the law of attraction.  Believing these myths can actually set you back in your quest for success and happiness.  I would like to debunk two of these “myths”:

Myth #1: You attract everyone into your life with your thoughts.
Truth #1: The world is like a pile of metal shavings… you attract who you attract based on magnetism

In the same way that you cannot choose who you fall in love with or to whom you are attracted, you cannot change this in others.  Humanity is like a mismatched pile of metal shavings (people in the world), where some will be drawn to you and some will not. I believe that attraction between people is fundamentally physiological – either someone is attractive to you or they are not; it is that simple.   The adage of “people like people like themselves” seems to prevail.

What we CAN control:  We CAN change our attitude and presentation to the world and thereby increase our potential attractiveness to other types of people, but our inner beauty and personal magnetism will not change.  What this means is that no matter how hard we “wish”, we would still attract a motley mix of good, bad, toxic, sociopathic, kind, narcissistic, damaged, wholesome and mottled people into our lives. Magnetism is not selective, but allowing them to stick to us should be VERY SELECTIVE! (If only we could buy mosquito repellant to keep away dysfunctional people!)

What this means to your psyche:  When you meet someone who says that you are attracting the wrong people into your life, remember that attraction is not a choice, but selecting who you allow into your life IS A CHOICE.

It helps me to remember that the people who are in my life (through either blood or they were attracted to me and I allowed them to take part in my life) do not have a lifetime pass.  It is my right (and choice) to end or suspend relationships with people who have become toxic to me — even if they passed the screening and selection process long ago.  Even if they are blood relatives, if they inject poison (through verbal or other abuse), we need to safeguard our emotional health and keep away.  We all have the right to positive influences and people in our life!

While you cannot change who you attract, you CAN increase your screening and selection criteria for who you allow to be in your life.

 Myth #2:  Life is a culmination of everything you manifested with your thoughts.
Truth #2: SHIT happens to good people all the time, regardless of their THOUGHTS

Another “rabbit hole” that trips up people who embrace the law of attraction is that “everything in your life you made happen through your thoughts”.  What utter rubbish!

For example, I can tell you that I NEVER wished for – or even thought about – having emotional abuse in my life.  I also did not wish for years of strife with a teenage son.  Nor did I wish for an aneurysm at age 40!  Moreover, I know that whatever strife you have in your life is probably not something you wished for or thought about.  Crap happens and you did NOT manifest it into being WITH YOUR THOUGHTS!

Certainly, our life is a culmination of our actions and beliefs, but circumstances, events and “shit” simply happens, regardless of how much we wish and pray and want something else.  Yet there are those who believe they can control the world with their thoughts and want to convince you that you can too (hmm… was not there a German leader who managed to manifest his thoughts of superiority into world domination?).

I met one of these such people several years ago and it was a downright “scary” experience.  “Mark” was an organizer of a self-help cult-style weekend called Landmark. (Note, I did not realize it was a cult until I saw their abusive and brainwashing at work.) “Mark”  convinced me to attend the seminar (against my intuition) and promised to make it more affordable by picking me up at the airport.  When I hesitated, he convinced me that this was my “ego” trying to keep me from growing and learning. When the weekend arrived, my flight was delayed and Mark reneged on his promise to pick me up.  I ended up taking expensive taxis because there were no rental cars available.  When I arrived at the site, he had lost my paperwork and I had to spend an hour completing new forms.  Strangely, Mark “justified” his poor behavior and the missing paperwork because (in his words) I made all of it happen with my thoughts.  WOW!  Somehow, I had the power to delay the plane, tie up all the rental cars, and psychically destroy paperwork.  When I laughed at his audacity, Mark insisted that even catastrophes like plane crashes are the result of “a group of people whose thoughts are harmonically aligned to bring the plane down.”  Can you imagine believing in such crap?  I left the weekend knowing that insanity is available for anyone willing to embrace dysfunctional thinking, like Mark.

What we CAN control: It is said that life is mostly attitude combined with your circumstances – but at times of strife, it can become so imbalanced that we lose control.  (In statistics, an “average” is the sum of all the events (good points + bad points + all in between) divided by the number of events.  As such, there has to be some great wins to balance out great losses to end up with an average somewhere in the middle!)

We cannot control the crap that happens in our life – bad things happen to good people all the time – but we can choose how we respond to it.  We can stand around the “pile of burning crap” when it lands in our life and make a choice!  We can watch it and wail that it is awful as it burns stronger… we can step in it and get covered in it (i.e., it can consume us)… or we can grab a bucket of water and douse the flames… or we can do any number of other actions.  The reaction and response IS OUR CHOICE, the burning pile of crap that landed IS NOT.

What this means to your psyche:  Stop listening to people who tell you that your life is the way it is because YOU CHOSE IT to be. This is NOT true and you know it! People do NOT choose to be unemployed or lose their home or have loved ones die… it JUST HAPPENS.  These things happen to good people all the time!  Change the things you can, wish (and envision) a better future, and adopt a healthy attitude.  It will not stop things from happening, but hopefully what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

I am sorry that the crap in your life happens to you… it is temporary and you have a choice about your future.  Life can always be better tomorrow, and even in the darkest moments, all you really have to do is make it through the next 5 minutes…

Have a great week and do the Royal We (me, myself, and I) a favor and stop allowing crap to invade your psyche.  YOU are a good person who deserves happiness.  We can all choose happiness and success – but sometimes the universe has a convoluted way of bringing it to us.

Carol

Can I borrow some sanity this week…?

5 Jul

Help!  I feel stuck this week!

One of my favorite quotes (anonymous) is:

There comes a point in your life when you realize:  Who matters, Who never did, Who won’t anymore… And who always will. So, don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it into your future.

I have reached that point, and I’ve decided that I no longer want to live in the past or mourn the loss of so many of my years in a relationship that was toxic to me.  Yet, I feel really challenged to stay up, stay focused on the future, and not have the pain of the past interfere with my present and future.

I can recite positive affirmations, ignore the (doom-and-gloom) news reports, bolster my spirits by feeding my mind with positive self-talk, and override my inner critic with optimism about the future… but somehow this week it’s just not enough.

Can I ask you for help?  I don’t ask often, but this week I really need some outside encouragement.

Let me give you a bit of insight of what’s happening this week:

1. First, let me share with you the positive visions I have:

Along, the lines of Positive Thinking (Dr. Norman Vincent Peale), Think and Grow Rich (Napoleon Hill), The Secret (Rhonda Byrne) and others, I envision and fully embrace a not-too-distant future that I can taste, feel, smell, imagine, see, hear, all bursting alive with:

  • “Feng shui”- happy living arrangements in a great neighborhood;
  • Financial prosperity;
  • Lots of healthy, mutually beneficial relationships and friends;
  • New career adventures (involving international travel);
  • Exciting contracts (at fair market value for my services);
  • Great speaking opportunities (where I can continue to make a difference to my audiences);
  • Forgiveness (of myself and others) that opens the pathway to true love;
  • Wondrous happiness for my grown children;
  • Ongoing great health and vitality;
  • Optimism to face whatever crosses my path without fear!

2. Now, allow me to share with you my challenges: 

  • My house is selling in a short-sale situation (due to a bad divorce arrangement) and the fallout of this will likely ruin my credit and result in a hefty IRS bill for the shortfall (taxed);
  • I have a houseful of items that even EBay professional buyers won’t take (they say that NOTHING is selling today) that I have to get rid of (much of which was never mine).   I can donate items to get rid of them or have a charity come and pick them up – but it is an overwhelming situation now.
  • Voices from my past that tell me that I am not lovable, not deserving, crazy, and my perceptions are wrong are so pervasive in my head that even though the physical people have been gone for 5 years – it is tough to override years of the treatment.
  • Some well-meaning friends tell me not to put any stake in any potential romantic relationships because they know better than I what will or won’t work out. (Yes, I am learning to ignore them!)
  • Despite a resume that impresses even the most seasoned professionals, I’m constantly seeking work where I can help organizations in software metrics and project management… and everyone tells me that it’s the economy.
  • I want to work and live in Europe or Asia and I don’t know how to make it happen!

I’m thinking that the process of culling, consolidating, discarding and sifting through all the “stuff” in my house and facing what others left for me to clean up, is a process.  I’m looking forward to being in a new place of my own that is free from the ghosts of the past.  New space, new energy – it’s bound to be better than the energy of the past.

So, will you lend me some sanity this week?  What words of wisdom can you give me to boost my spirits?

(I promise to return the favor!)

Wishing you a happy, healthy, positive week!

Carol

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Science and positive thinking… proof or poof?

4 Jan

For years I’ve read about the Power of Positive Thinking (along the lines of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale) and The Secret (the Law of Attraction), and I’ve seen how envisioning the future can become reality – it worked when I moved to the U.S. from Canada in the mid-1990’s and my business soared.

Lately, however, I have found that no matter how much I put into positive thinking and visioning, the results just do not seem to manifest in the same way as they once did. I can envision my future state with financial prosperity, abundant love, health, and the level of career success I want.  I can feel this future state with every sense of my being — and yet what worked to create reality does not seem to work today (or maybe I am more impatient as I get older).

While I understand that the subconscious and the universe manifests creation at its own pace (and not mine), I find it frustrating when I do not see any discernible change or progress towards my vision.  Given my engineering background, you may not be surprised that I would like some scientific proof that this positive thinking and energy is working.

In hindsight, 2010 was a mediocre year and I am grateful for my speaking engagements and new opportunities, but also frustrated that my consulting schedule was not chock full or that I made more progress towards financial freedom.  It can be tough to stay positive in a down economy and a dog-eat-dog world — you may have felt the same way in 2010.

Feeling frustrated with a lack of solid signs of progress, I was elated to come across the following video excerpt (from the documentary “What the Bleep Do We Know?” whereby a Japanese scientist Dr. Masuru Emoto has established a direct relationship between positive thinking energy and the formation of complex and elaborate water crystals exposed to it.  (I don’t know for certain if this is fact or fiction.)

The narrative explains that because our bodies are composed of over 60% water, positive thoughts will result in positive changes in our overall water-based physiology.  What do you think?

Is this scientific proof that positive thinking can immediately and positively affect our well-being – or is it an airy-fairy fictionalized stretch of someone’s imagination?

Watch the video (it’s less than 3 minutes long) and let me know what YOU think…

For me, this is immediate and positive proof that staying upbeat and optimistic (even when times are tough) can deliver immediate and positive results.  Even if it is Hollywood hocus-pocus it gives credence and power to my ongoing visioning and gives me hope that my tomorrows will be fruitful in the ways that my visions depict.

Have a great week!

p.s., I am seeking speaking opportunities worldwide for 2011 so if you hear of anyone needing a great speaker, please refer me and ask them to email me (dekkers@qualityplustech.com).

p.p.s., in 2011, I am clearing off my bookshelves and taking at least one book a week off the shelf to share with you. This week it is Zig Ziglar’s “See you at the Top”.  I will report on its high points and give you a short review later this week.

Regards,

Carol


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Hindsight and the Law of Attraction…

17 Nov

The Law of Attraction…

You might have heard of the Law of Attraction (as published in works such as “The Secret” and “Think and Grow Rich”).  The basic principle is: what you think and truly desire will come about if you wish for it earnestly and steadfastly.

Personally, I’ve experienced the power that envisioning your future can have on your present.  As a child I yearned for a life of travel to distant lands — today my work provides me with speaking opportunities to travel worldwide.  Visioning is powerful stuff!

Hindsight is 20/20 as the saying goes…

and I’m finding that the people I used to attract into my life were by and large those who treated me as I believed I deserved to be treated. My relationships often left me feeling sad and I’d wonder why people treated me like a doormat.  I now realize that these people didn’t just treat me like a doormat – it is their modus operandi – they treat everyone in their life the same way, especially those who tolerate such behavior.

In the last 5 years, I’ve experienced major life changes and learned a lot about myself and self-care. I’ve learned to set up healthy boundaries to prevent the doormat syndrome from happening again.  In addition, in the process, I realize that the people who made me feel inferior only did so with my permission. I can see that the people who I once considered to be friends – were attracted into my life (and stayed) because I didn’t realize that I deserved better.

Here are a couple of examples of how these “friends” behaved:

  • One person asked me to speak at conferences she was involved in planning, and invited me to stay at her home during the week.  When I accepted her invitation, she took great pride in talking about me (and another person she invited) at the conference by saying, “You should see how Carol and xxx think that I run a hotel… “In addition, she would trash talk about my choice of shoes by saying “Ooooh, look at Carol’s hooker heels” when I wore shoes with heels.  I admit that I often felt powerless that someone I considered a friend would talk about me like this.
  • Another person routinely would tell me when I was in the midst of an abusive situation that I deserved the treatment because I didn’t directly confront the offender.  She had never been in my situation but was quick to dish out advice and chide me that my decisions were flawed.  I often felt sad during her monologues, yet she was careful to sprinkle in complimentary nuggets so I wouldn’t ditch the friendship.
  • A third person would summarily disregard my opinions by telling me that my perceptions and recollections of events were consistently wrong.  Any protestation was returned with the silent treatment or disdain.  I felt invalidated and learned to question my intuition in this relationship.

I realize that these people treated me (and others in their lives) poorly, but I attracted them into my life because it matched the treatment that I thought I deserved.  I’m proud to say that I’m now equipped with the knowledge that I deserve so much better.  In so thinking, I can see that I am attracting higher quality people in my life.  Today, I am proud to say that my friends are kind, respectful, and high quality, emotionally healthy human beings.

About the three people (and others like them) from my past – I now stand up to them.  They don’t like the new boundaries or that I restrict my time with them, but they have no choice.

The Law of Attraction works and always did.  In hindsight, I can see that those whom I attracted (and who were attracted to me) did not treat me any differently than I believed I deserved to be treated.  Today, I know better and no longer tolerate abusive behavior.

Does this resonate with you and your experiences at all?  Do you agree or disagree with these observations?

p.s., today I can say “Life is good!” and getting better all the time.

Carol


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