Tag Archives: iPhone

Seeing the world through broken glass… waking up to 20/20 vision

10 May

Do you ever feel like you’ve wasted heartbeats living your life based on what others tell you is true (using guilt, conditional love, coercion, religion, shame, and downright lies) instead of creating the life you want?

I don’t know about your story, but I am slowly realizing that the “fill in the blank” projections of what others told me I need to be (you should be more – fill in the blank; you are way too – fill in the blank; what will other people think of you because of – fill in the blank) are so distorted as to be laughable.  And none of them are true!

My parochial, strict upbringing followed by a quarter century of “love” with a bonafide narcissist, can only be compared to practitioners testing your eyes, prescribing corrective glasses, smashing the lenses, and then forcing you to wear them (with physical and emotional threats) so that you can “see the world properly.”  (Translation: see the world as they do.) 

I must be a slow learner, but only recently did I wake up to see that people from my past would build themselves up by putting me down.   My psyche suffered years of anguish and guilt because I believed the distortions I saw through broken glass.  The perps got to feel superior, earned big financial wins, and were largely successful in squelching my spirit.

After a lifetime of words and insistence that I will never be good enough (for the world), I realize that this is simply not true.  Moreover, I am discovering that I never needed “glasses” to see the world properly in the first place – my perceptive vision is (and was) 20/20.

While my realizations are mostly an inside job, they were bolstered recently by several acquaintances whose words rang true.  Maybe they spoke out because they weren’t looking for personal gain, I don’t know, but I am grateful for what they told me (positive words.)

20/20 vision in comparison…

What makes these words different from the past? They resonate with what my soul knows to be true:  I am a loveable, kind, generous (to a fault), attractive, intelligent, passionate, sensitive, empathetic, and exciting person who has much to give.  (If you already know this about yourself, I congratulate you for discovering it earlier than I!)

My heart sees (and feels) that the positive words are true, but hearing positive words (with insistence) is so rare that I had to have them repeat them.  Even now, it takes an effort to overcome the negative reflections from the past and accept that the love I’ve known was conditional to me being someone I am not.

I now know that my eyesight about the world (and myself) started out fine, but got derailed through emotional attachment to people whose love hinged on me being someone else.  Wearing the broken glasses to please them ended up distorting my vision of the world, of myself, of where I fit in the world.  At times when I glimpsed an uncorrected vision (and liked it!) – chiding would remind me that they knew me better than I knew myself. I believed that love was conditional on me seeing the world as they did. (I still believe that is true, but now I no longer care!)

Today, I love myself (I know that I am loveable) and that is all that matters. I see the world as I see it and the Royal We (me, myself and I) are happy.

Burying the past…except for the Zombies

What distortions came about with the corrected vision?  I heard over and over (by more than one person) that I was too sensitive, too abrasive, took things personally, was not talented enough, unattractive (and reminded that vanity is the work of the devil!), boring, assertive, unlikeable, a bad communicator, a poor mother, had broken intuition and I was downright unlovable.  (The latter point made it easy to convince me that I would never find anyone who could ever truly love me and I was lucky to have found said person!  No wonder I’ve been a people pleaser!)

One would think that it should be easy to bury the broken glasses today.  Unfortunately, people from my past try to prevent me from doing so.  Family members insist that I am doomed to eternal damnation because I don’t adhere to their religious edicts (not my truth).  The narcissist continues to contacts my friends to be his friend (and they call me to say “WTF is his problem!”)  Others continue to try to get me back (to benefit them) years after I stopped the relationships.  I guess that’s the nature of controlling, broken glass relationships – a controller needs someone to control.

20/20 vision is incredible!

Living in integrity (treating myself the way that I treat my best friends) is my truth.  My intuition celebrates that I trust that my perceptions are true (undistorted) and believe that I deserve love.   I am at peace with who I am (and who my friends know).  This makes for a satisfying life of self-love, mutual friendship, and trust in oneself.  It’s finally nice to know that my vision was 20/20 all along.

Have a great week!

Carol

Crackberry Detox…

17 Mar

My Blackberry has a mind of its own these days – for some strange reason it shuts down at (its own) will four to five times a day.  Embarrassingly it happens in the middle of calls, when I am responding to emails, and when it is fully charged.

There seems to be no logical explanation aside from the fact that it is going through the terrible twos and has a tantrum when I don’t give it the attention it seeks.

So, I have a couple of choices since I do not want to extend my cell phone contract for another two years:

  • I can pay full price ($400 USD thereabouts) for a new Blackberry or Droid or Smartphone – and have uninterrupted service;
  • I can succumb to my cell phone company’s demands and go with a 2-year contract or switch carriers (and start a new 2-year contract);
  • I can shop around to find the right solution, and in the meantime, resort to using a new non-web-enabled Nokia cell phone and do a 2-week or so “Blackberry Detox”.

I think I am addicted to my Blackberry and its Facebook / Twitter / Email / Blackberry Messenger features.  I probably check its screen no less than 500 times a day. When a chime goes off to alert me to a sms message, voicemail or Direct Message from Twitter, I feel compelled to check it again – even if I just looked at it 5 seconds earlier.

When I first wake up in the morning, the first thing I do after I dismiss my alarm (Blackberry vernacular for turning off my alarm clock), is to dispense with the 70+ emails/messages/texts, etc that came in during the night.

I justify this behavior by purporting it keeps my email in order when I later access my laptop – but I wonder what it really says about my need to be tethered to my “Crackberry“.

Starting this afternoon, I’m going cold turkey and choosing the third option above.  (I can’t believe I am saying this, but) I am going to unplug and disconnect from my Blackberry and rely on a Nokia cell phone (no camera, no web access) until I decide how I will replace my ailing Blackberry.

This means I will have to write directions and take down information from email messages “by hand” so I know where to tell a taxi to take me to a hotel in DC on Friday night.  I will also have to rely solely on my laptop to read emails. In other words, I am going to go back to life before Blackberry or Smartphones.  Like in the “olden days” 5 years ago.

What do you think?  Are you addicted to your iPhone or Blackberry or SmartPhone?  Could you survive a two-week detox?  I will let you know how I do and whether I fall off the wagon – you can cheer me on along the way.  After all, I’m still addicted (happily) to blogging…

Have a happy week!

Carol

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