Tag Archives: History and Scholarship

“To have a friend you have to be a friend” – hogwash!

11 Aug

Did you grow up with this “momily” like I did?  I didn’t realize how invasive this hogwash was until recently – in fact until others pointed out to me that people I allowed into my life were not “friends” at all.

I’ve spent time in past posts talking about how damaging toxic relationships can be to our psyche, but just last night a true friend reminded me that I was giving “friend” status to people who had chosen me – not that I had chosen for myself.  I didn’t screen them  before allowing them into my life, and that’s when the “momily” hit me!

Allow me to explain…

Growing up (long ago!) I was taught that friendship had to be earned and that “to have a friend, you have to be a friend (first)”.  At the time, I never questioned this – and not only have I allowed people into my life because THEY consider me a friend (without consideration of my own needs), they abused that privilege!  Friendship should be a two-way street… just because one party drives into the traffic (as if it is a one way!) does not change the two-way rule.  “Friends” who insist on one-way traffic… well, are they really friends?  (Think about what usually happens to drivers when this happens!)

Recognition and termination of relationships devoid of mutual respect is THE RIGHT THING TO DO!

Many of the acquaintances (today I realize they were not “friends”) I tolerated during my marriage could be classified, by clinical standards, as verbally abusive.  With my divorce came a new awareness about friendships and relationships: “friendship” should be mutually beneficially to both parties!  Today I know I deserve better and I hope you do too!

There is a reason that some people don’t make it into our future, it’s to make room for new people who WE mutually choose – not just those who choose us!

Have a great week, and thank you for reading!


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