Tag Archives: Energy

Need more hours in your day? 3 Easy steps…

16 Feb

I remember days gone by when I wished for more hours in my day… no matter how I tried to rearrange things, I just couldn’t find all the hours I needed to get everything done. By the end of the day, I was exhausted and spent, and my kids did not get to see me at my best on many occasions.

These days, my children are grown and I watch around me as more and more people are in the same predicament that I was – and are equally harried and stressed.  For them and you, I present “3 Easy ways to create more hours in your day”.

1.   Reduce your load…Stop doing things that do not really matter

While you may feel that everything you do during the day from paid work to laundry to helping with homework to driving to soccer practice to …. (100 other things!) are essential for you to do, I disagree.  When I recall everything I did for so many people, I realize that they might have seemed essential (especially to me), but I know that there were things I did simply out of a sense of duty.  One way to figure out what you can stop doing that does not really matter is to stop doing something and then see if anyone misses it.

For example, I call several friends many times before they return my calls (if they ever do).  Once I stopped calling them (which I had done more for myself if the truth be known), some did not call me at all – I discovered that the “friends” do not miss me, and as a result, I can spend my time pursuing relationships that really matter.

For another example, tasks like dusting are one of the “mom” type duties that we often think must be done to avoid what others might think or say (such as a mother-in-law).  But if you stop doing dusting or do it only 1/2 as often, the results may not be noticed.  Voila!  Time saved!  Make a list of everything you do on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis and see if there is anything that is non-essential, immaterial or that you can cut back on the frequency with which you do them.  You may be surprised to find out that there are things you do to satisfy your inner critic and no one else really cares.  So, stop doing these things!

A friend once told me “You can come over to my house and even write your name in my dust, as long as you don’t date it!”  I realized then that the process of dusting was less important than spending time with my children.  I stopped dusting so often, and surprise, no one noticed!

2.   Outsource what can be done more cheaply by someone else (and help another person in the process!)

Once you have pared down your list in #1., figure out what other things could be better done (from both a financial and emotional standpoint) by someone else.  You can outsource and win just like the big corporations!

For example, if mowing the grass is on  your list of “must do’s” and it takes you 2 hours to do it weekly, consider that a neighborhood teen may charge as little as $10. a week to mow your grass AND clean up the clippings!  Are your two hours worth more than $10. (let alone the sweating and stress it may cause you?) If the answer is yes, do yourself a favor and give the teen a job to mow your lawn – you will both benefit.  This single act gives you 2 hours to do something else!

If, however, you love to mow your lawn (I know people who do!), then find other tasks on your list where it might be more efficient to outsource the work to someone who wants and needs the work.  You will both benefit and be happier!

3. Accept help when it is offered

Too often those of us who are self-reliant and independent “cut our noses to spite our face” by not accepting help when it is genuinely offered.  Our misplaced sense of pride and feelings that we might “owe” someone who helps us – can actually work to our detriment!

When someone offers to aid you with something that would help you stretch your day, accept the help!

As I mentioned in a earlier post (The more you give, the more you … give) – the acts of giving and receiving  are not coupled.  So, if you feel that you would owe someone when they give to you, think about all the times that you give freely to others.  It is about time that you allow others to give back – especially when they are not the same people who have received from you.

These are three easy steps to more hours and more happiness.  Best of all, they come at little or no cost (especially when you factor in the price of your own heartbeats and hours you save!)  Prioritize your time, follow the steps, and let me know what happens in your life.

Have a great weekend!

Carol

Toxic People – It’s not really personal…

22 Jun

Toxic people are everywhere – and their effect on workplace, family, and personal morale can be devastating.

Who’s a toxic person?  Someone who sucks the energy and the motivation out of you in favor of advancing their own agenda and “best interests“.  Often they might be disguised as “friends” who abuse you, family members who need to dominate you, or co-workers who demean you.  At a distance, it is easy to recognize toxic people in other people’s lives, yet sometimes it’s not so easy in our own life.

Why do we put up with abusive behavior from others where our own sense of well-being is jeopardized by these people?

I believe that some of it stems from our upbringing where our tolerance for unhealthy people is encouraged (such as the momilies like: be nice to your elders because they are older; you have to be a friend to have a friend; if two or more people are against you – it must be you; etc.).

About ten years ago, I was so surrounded by “toxic people” in my personal life that I thought I was going crazy (in fact, one of the most toxic people in my life tried to convince me that I was!)  At the time, I thought that I needed to be more tolerant of this behavior  (including abuse) in hopes of eliminating sadness and feelings of being used.

What I really needed to do (and am now doing) was to be less tolerant of abusive behavior and to cut out toxic people from my life.

AND, I realize that toxic people do not handpick people to befriend and abuse – they simply are so self-absorbed (and often downright mean) with everyone in their life.  They make their way into the lives of others quite insidiously – they start by innocuous demands and offers of friendship (making you feel needed) and then proceed to take your energy, your self-esteem, and your optimism.

When you are surrounded by toxic people, you can end up feeling like you must be crazy – after all, how can the world be crazy around you? Realizing that toxic people use others without it being personal – they will use family, friends, acquaintances, spouses, anyone to advance their self-serving agenda – can make it easier to deal with them in the long-term.  (It’s not personal!)

How do you know if someone is toxic in your life?  Once you recognize the behavior and how you feel when you are around them, it becomes a matter of identification and elimination (if you value your health).

Here’s my short list for detect toxicity (do you have others?):

  • Verbal abuse Toxic people will berate you, insult you, call you names, and disparage you.  (Friends don’t let anyone abuse their friends.)  For example, I once knew a toxic person who would disparage my clothes at every chance in front of colleagues and co-workers. If I wore a pair of shoes with a heel higher than an inch, she’d alert people by announcing “Look everybody, Carol is wearing hooker heels.”  Not someone I ever needed in MY life.
  • Lack of respect for your time: Toxic people will call you and demand support at all hours of the day and night – one toxic person I used to know called me repeatedly in the middle of the night for support when her adult daughter got arrested for drunk driving, and again when she thought she violated her suspended license.  At first I thought she really needed support at those times, then later I found out that she started calling people for support earlier in the evening and didn’t care how late it got as she continued to call people on her list.
  • Lack of reciprocity: Toxic people are energy-suckers who will drain your energy and then turn their back on you if you need support.  I have an entire garage full of abandoned mattresses from a toxic person who begged me to share my garage space with her desperate and broke daughter, then turned her back and refused to remove the items she no longer wanted after I asked for the space back.  To date neither the person nor her daughter have said a word of thanks nor have they returned phone calls asking them to remove their garbage from my garage.
  • Self-centeredness: Toxic people know how to get their needs met first by relying on the generosity of others, but do not give back.  One toxic person I knew used my time and support to soothe her broken heart during a divorce (I spent weeks doing so including trips at my expense), but does not notice when others need or ask for her support.  Self-centered people simply do not see anyone beyond their own immediate circle of people and their own needs.
  • Lack of consideration: When toxic people are short of money or resources, they see no problem taking (or more likely asking for) your money, time, resources.  When their situation changes and they come into the money, toxic people usually forget your generosity and will insist on equal division of costs going forward.  Sometimes these people will even take advantage of any weakness on your part to gain financial advantage over you – with no regard to fair treatment.
  • Bully behavior:  Toxic people often bully others and then justify their behavior by touting that they are only asserting their will on others.  I once knew such a toxic person who believed that there would be no bullies in the world without ready and willing victims.  How deranged!

What’s the best way to deal with toxic people in YOUR life?  It is never an easy situation – even when you identify who they are. My advice is to stop tolerating the behavior and make plans to move them out of your life.  Sometimes they may change as a result, but usually toxic people are ignorant of their toxicity and simply go on to find others they can use and abuse.

What is life like without toxic friendships?  For me, I’m finding that the solitude and satisfaction I gain from new, non-toxic friendships far outweighs the companionship that toxic people used to provide. Feeling good when you are with people who are emotionally healthy is a beautiful thing!

Toxic people – it’s really not a personal thing when they treat you badly!  But it is personal if you choose to keep these people in your life!

Have a great week!

p.s., Thank you to my current friends and my son and my daughter who have never been a part of the toxic influences in my life!

Carol

Reliance is unreliable…

15 Oct

Do you know that the only person you can ever rely on 100% is you?

This obvious realization came crystal clear to me this week as multiple situations (that relied on the response of others) came to a head and had a variety of outcomes. At the end of the week, I find myself seeking to reduce my reliance on others – it’s just too unreliable!

I must be an eternal optimist because even though the situation keeps repeating itself (people promise and then don’t deliver)… and still I trust the next person who promises to do something.  I’m finding the situation getting worse as the recession continues!

Don’t you wonder sometimes what happened to the work ethic of yesterday where people DID what they said they’d do?  More and more often the Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz emerge – especially agreement #2 – Don’t take ANYTHING personally.  It is a difficult challenge (for me at least) to realize that some people simply disappoint by not following through on what they promise – and they do so with everyone, everywhere.  It is not a personal affront – but it does feel personal when it happens repeatedly to you.

Here’s rundown of my week (and this is NOT atypical):

  • Three weeks ago I won tickets to a local concert from a radio station, and for three weeks I’ve tried to coordinate to pick up the tickets.  Twenty-one days later and exactly 24 hours before the event, I finally received the tickets despite multiple promises to mail them, deliver them, leave them at a predetermined place and tens of phone calls, voice mails, emails, and insisting that I would have the tickets imminently.
  • A client I’ve worked with for two years gave me specific instructions for submitting course evaluations to them which they in turn would deliver to the end-user.  I did my part immediately and they promised to send the papers to the user within a day. A week and a half later the end-user issues a statement blaming me for not sending the papers – and my client contact confesses that they sent an email to the end-user but neglected to attach the needed documents over a week ago.
  • I made arrangements with a hotel to ship leftover documentation from a class back to a client.  The hotel promised to do so but said client never receives it.  Multiple phone calls and emails to the hotel and then back and forth with the client finally got the hotel to deliver on their original promise to ship the materials – almost two weeks later.
  • An international conference where I am presenting a keynote speech in two weeks promises to put up the program on their website for months now.  After multiple emails asking for an update, the conference finally confesses that it wasn’t a big priority to them, and finally their travel agent contacts me to make travel arrangements (only 2 weeks out from the conference).

The amount of rework, babysitting to make sure promises are kept, follow-up with emails, voice mails, phone calls and meetings is absolutely out of control these days.  Actions speak louder than words – and it seems more and more today that words are just wishful thinking of actions that may or may not ever occur.

What’s your experience?  Do you find yourself having to followup an email 5 or 6 times (at least) before you receive an answer?  And leaving multiple voice mails before you ever (if ever) receive a response?

Have you discovered any great remedial actions that increase responsiveness or do you just “suck it up” and don’t hold your breath when someone promises to do something and then routinely neglects to follow through?

Wishing you a successful and streamlined end of your work week!

Regards,
Carol

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