Do Mean Girls Grow Up?

6 Mar

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~ Dalai Lama

If you cannot say something nice, don’t say anything at all.  – Anonymous

Nice mantras, good ideals I grew up with, but hardly apropos in real life when it comes to mean-spirited women (who probably started out as mean girls.)

The Past

I grew up around mean girls – you know the type – the fashion princesses and cheerleaders in high school who made life miserable for anyone who was not.  I learned to fantasize that their home life was less than ideal or that they would fail at adulthood – anything to keep their taunting at bay.  Some were not so lucky and still hold the scars of teen torment into their adult years.  Who knows why girls (especially) are mean to each other… but that’s all part of childhood right?

The Present

As an adult, why would it amaze me to meet mean women?  After all, mean doesn’t go away (one of my mid-life learnings!) , but I never really thought about this until I met two of them this weekend!

Coincidentally, there was a new pilot TV show launched on ABC called GCB (based on the book Good Christian Bitches. The series considered renaming to Good Christian Belles but settled on just GCB.) The central theme is a group of women who have not changed much since their sniping, bitchy teenage years in Dallas, TX.  A main character returns to Dallas as a thirty-something widow of two teens, having been the biggest queen “B****” in high school.  She thinks she is reformed (in some ways she is), but her neighbors are former friends who remain proud current-day GCB’s and display nasty behavior in front of husbands, children, and congregations.  This series joins the crowded stage of women-behaving-badly shows like the myriad of “Housewives of xxx.”

(As an aside, I loved the Saturday Night Live mock trailer called Housewives of Disney! that you can find on Facebook or YouTube.  Send me a comment if you’d like me to send you the link to that parody!)

Will you Comment Please?

This weekend, I had two separate GCB-like (mean women) experiences and I would like your opinion.  I know that I am not perfect (or crazy!), but I was stunned to see such bitchy behavior in real life by women here in Tampa  Help me out – what is YOUR experience?

# 1. VERONICA (not her real name)

I was good friends with Veronica for about 2 years up until a few weeks after she started dating Bob.  We met him at a local pub and he hit on me first, but it was not reciprocal.  Veronica then started dating him and within 3 weeks they moved in together.  It should not have been a surprise to me when she asked if he could come with us and share the hotel room I booked and paid for in New York City just weeks later.  Originally I said okay, but realized that sharing a room with a new romantic couple would be uncomfortable so I told her no.  She got upset and they both stayed elsewhere. End of story – or so I thought.

While I knew she held a grudge and we stopped hanging out (he is not a nice person), it wasn’t until about two months ago that I found out that she was trash-talking all sorts of things about me (I found out from a mutual friend).  I let it go, considering the source, then ran into Veronica at a local wine tasting event on Friday night.  What a b**** she was there.  To my face she pretended to be as sweet as cream pie, but I knew that anything I’d say would be turned into venom against me.  It was an interesting evening as she squirmed when I went over to talk to her (she tried to avoid me) and simply exchanged small talk.

What would you have done?  Would you confront the person with their own bad behavior or do as I did and simply pretend not to know?

#2. BEATRICE (not her real name either)

Saturday I arranged for a new friend (of less than a month) and I to volunteer at a local event and I agreed to share a ride with her (she drove this time since I’ve driven her for the past month!) I drove to her place where I parked my car, and didn’t say anything to her about the fact that  she kept me waiting for 30 minutes (at the time pre-arranged for her convenience so she could have her “I need to sleep until noon on Saturday” time. Volunteers had to be there by 1pm and it was an hour drive.)  Enroute, I endured her tantrum driving to Tampa (I didn’t realize that traffic could evoke such foul language), two stops for her to pick up money and cigarettes rendering us 45 minutes late to the event.  I was embarrassed to be that late, but didn’t belabor the point since we were at least there!

All day she stuck to me like glue (I’m not used to people being tethered to me at a volunteer gig) and we ended up attending an after-party with organizers at a hotel courtyard.  One guy there was interested in me and I in him so we ended up spending a lot of time talking – and I probably ignored her.  As the party wound up and I got ready to leave with her, she disappeared!

As a friend, I got worried (she had too much to drink to drive home sober) and texted and called her to no avail.  I was DITCHED without a ride home and with no explanation or even courtesy to tell me she was leaving.  The next morning (there were no rooms available so I bunked in on the sofa of two guys who had a room – thankfully!) – as I was hailing a $50 taxi back to my car, – she finally returned a text saying “I am fine… you botched the friendship…. don’t ever contact me again.”   I asked the guys if I had said or done something reckless to her the night before and their response was simply – “we were there, she was simply gone, and wow, that’s f***’ed up!”

This GCB (she professes to be religious and righteous) refused to tell me what horrendous deed I had done to deserve being left behind, but other friends tell me that when alcohol and a guy are involved, bitchy women can become psycho.  How did I miss this whole segment of society to this point?  I realize that there really wasn’t a friendship in the first place to lose, but again, I am stunned at the behavior and would like to avoid this type of person in the future.  (She sent an almost identical text to a guy she had an “encounter” with just the week before when he left her on a Sunday morning.  So she has a pattern of dismissive texting.)

The Future… Advice please?

Do you think mean girls can grow up?  Do you meet these people when you are out and about?  How should I handle these people and what would you do?

Karma says that the Veronica’s and the Beatrice’s of the world will get theirs… and I do not wish harm on anyone.  But whiskey tango foxtrot, I do not need these people in MY life.

Have a great week!

Carol

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8 Responses to “Do Mean Girls Grow Up?”

  1. Hollis Monday, March 12, 2012 at 5:29 am #

    The first “bitch” was sick (new couple asking to share a hotel room with another female?) and the second “bitch” was drunk (per your account). Even if they were willing to explain their actions, neither would be acceptable as a “reliable witness”, and they themselves may be clueless about their motivations. They are each a problem that can’t be fixed, but only avoided. Movin’ right along….

    • Carol Dekkers Monday, March 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      Hollis,

      I couldn’t agree with you more… and to use your sage advice – “Next!”

      Happy trails!
      Carol

  2. Sana Johnson-Quijada MD Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    many do and many don’t, as w the rest of us distorted humans. so much of growing up includes health, physical and including brain which is contiguous w social and psychological. those areas of health have so much more potential when they stand on healthy biology. then theres the victim role, the poison that wilts and corrodes our potential for growth. choking sound inserted. at any point, i’d say starting w Me is our best shot. there we find it all. God, magic, biology, accountability and the other bank notes we need along the way. nice nice questions and post. thx for spurring my blabber habits. 🙂 keep on.

    • Carol Dekkers Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 1:51 pm #

      Good points Sana. Starting with me is the best place to start and finish! Anything in between is as you say, distorted (and I’d add “noise”).

      Communication with healthy people is one thing, but when you add in the huge stash of baggage so many adults carry along with them to every relationship, one wonders how anyone moves forward. I can only dispense/clear out/ dispose of my OWN baggage – and I accept that it is mine. It is when others expect us to take care of and allow them room for their own pile of baggage that things get interesting (and as the two GCBs in my post prove) toxic. I’ve thought often that if we could charge baggage fees (and be charged if we bring our own over the limit baggage) in a relationship, things might get easier… but then as a frequent flyer, I know that people would find a way around the system to get away with more and not pay.

      Now I am rambling… have a great day and keep on yourself. 🙂

      • Sana Johnson-Quijada MD Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

        i really like how u expanded this saying, “allow them room for their own pile of baggage” – great visual and made me smile

        • Carol Dekkers Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

          Thanks!

          And yes, I would like to develop the ability to see the number of suitcases, steamer trunks, snowboards, garment bags and other monstrosities tethered and dragging behind toxic people as they approach me so that I could run the other way. Unfortunately with it being invisible, often they have moved totally into your space and smothered us with their baggage before we notice what’s happening. I think I need some sort of female/male baggage protectant (like mosquito repellant) to cover me and my space to prevent this from happening. But this incites a whole new graphic!

        • Sana Johnson-Quijada MD Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

          lol. i’ve noticed that those of us w temperaments including the “extroverted feeler” typology have more tendency to permit, (…invite, suffer or however we want to call it) this kind of company. this temperament of extroverted feelers has a high rejection sensitivity to contend w.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Walking on Eggshells… Source of Back Pain? « The Dekkers Report… - Thursday, March 22, 2012

    […] written about the types of friends who explode or behave badly when they do not get their own way (Do Mean Girls Grow up?) – and my solution is to walk away and find new friends.  On rare occasions when I […]

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