Is it important to be “missed”?

23 Feb

Why does our importance in life often lie in whether it seems that others accept us or need us?  To me, this is the immortal question of life – how can we gain this sense of importance on our own?

When I am traveling for work, I often overhear someone on a cell phone asking “Do you miss me?”, and it gives me pause because I used to ask the same question of someone far away.  I have no idea why the answer (as long as it was positive) ever mattered (it should not have!)  Today I know that statements made without action to support them are merely lip-service. We want to feel important to people so that we can gain a sense of importance in the world. (But this is misguided – we are important!)

Along the same lines, I found a quote the other day in my in-basket by don Miguel Ruiz:

Many times we don’t see our own creation; we don’t see our own lies. But sometimes in the reflection of somebody else, we can see our own magnificence. By experiencing the love of another person, we can see how great we are. From one artist to another artist, we might see that it’s possible to improve our own art.’

What do you think of this quote?  It makes me feel a little bid sad because it implies that we need to see our greatness our reflection from others. Why can we not see the same reflection in our own mirror?

And what does it mean when such reflection comes up short?  If someone who means something to us reflects back that we are crazy or ignorant, should we take that at face value – or reject it based on not taking anything personally?  (Also a don Miguel Ruiz rumination).

As I state often, our acceptance should be of primary importance and our value in life should never hinge on another.  But this quote seems to fly in the face of that… and I struggle to make sense of it.

What do you think?

p.s., This is my first post to this blog in 10 days, did you miss me ? (wink wink LOL!)

Have a good week!



6 Responses to “Is it important to be “missed”?”

  1. Hollis W. Tuesday, March 1, 2011 at 12:21 am #

    Someone once said that the purpose of life is a life of purpose. Someone else opined that our purpose in life was to help other people, and as to the purpose of the other people, he/she hadn’t a clue. That provides a valuable pointer on how to be to ensure that one would be “missed” if one went “missing”. Remember what the Wiz said to Tin Man? Having a heart is not how much you love, but how much you are loved by others. I don’t know if my grandmothers ever gave a thought to any of this stuff, but boyoboy, are they ever missed. My own definition of “greatness” – to be the kind of woman they would have saved a seat for at a luncheon. They would not have described themselves in terms of “greatness”, but I certainly would.


    • Carol Dekkers Tuesday, March 1, 2011 at 11:07 pm #


      Thank you for your comments, and your sentiments and perspective are insightful and fresh. Our experiences and outlook at this point in life seem to be very different – I used to believe that what you one does for others mattered (and it burned me in my relationships). Now I believe that what we do for others only matters if we first and foremost take care of our own needs first and foremost BEFORE we give anything to others. For some of us this has to be a conscious decision to stop first (before we unselfishly give our time, energy or money away to others) and examine our own needs – and only if we are FULL and nurtured ourselves should we ever consider giving to others. I recall the mantra of my girl guide days when the motto was “A Brownie is cheerful and obedient; a brownie thinks of other people before herself” – it may have been a sign of the times, but how misguided!

      Today, the motto really ought to be ” A Brownie is cheerful and enthusiastic; a brownie takes care of herself, then can think of others.”

      Have a great week!


  2. Bill Ravensberg Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    Welcome back to your blog Carol … yeah, you were missed. But, I think you needed a well deserved break from it.

    You asked a bunch of questions at the end. Basically, I think the issue of the quote is the word “reflection”.

    A reflection will usually mean the same thing. I don’t think we should be looking for reflections of ourselves in others. What I think we will see will be similarities. Although, I’m not sure where that puts someone like Picaso. 😉

    So, in as much as we want acceptance, I think we need to feel good about what we do first and foremost and others will let us know how they receive it; both good and bad. We then need to filter that and not absorb it.

    I think you have done a good job on previous posts about not taking it personally. So, I encourage you to go back to that mindset and forget this reflection in others thing.

    After all, I really think you have a lot to offer and that it will be difficult for you to find your reflection of similarities in most of us anyway. So, don’t be disappointed. It’s because you are ahead of the pack in many ways!

    All the best!


    • Carol Dekkers Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      Dear Bill,

      Thanks for your comments – you always have a balanced perspective. I love the suggestion that similarities are typically what are reflected by others and the notion that Picasso could be an exception.

      You got it right – it’s a matter of NOT taking anything outside of ourselves personally. After a lifetime of being told that my dreams and perceptions were outright wrong (from people who said they loved me), it is an awakening to discover that they actually were holding up fun house mirrors. Since my divorce, I’ve become free to trust my intuition and see that the beauty reflected in my own mirror is the truth.

      I hope and pray that my experience of learning I am absolutely beautiful at such a late age (most people know that their intuition is bang-on and override detractors in their 20’s!) is that others can discover and wake up to dysfunctional relationships earlier than I did. It may be too late for me to experience true love – but I do hold out great hope that others can do so as a result of my sharing.



  3. Leo K Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 8:27 am #

    yes, I´ve missed you 😉

    nice blog


    • Carol Dekkers Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

      Thanks Leo!

      I like your sense of humor so 😉 back at you!


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