Do you ever feel like you’ve wasted heartbeats living your life based on what others tell you is true (using guilt, conditional love, coercion, religion, shame, and downright lies) instead of creating the life you want?
I don’t know about your story, but I am slowly realizing that the “fill in the blank” projections of what others told me I need to be (you should be more – fill in the blank; you are way too – fill in the blank; what will other people think of you because of – fill in the blank) are so distorted as to be laughable. And none of them are true!
My parochial, strict upbringing followed by a quarter century of “love” with a bonafide narcissist, can only be compared to practitioners testing your eyes, prescribing corrective glasses, smashing the lenses, and then forcing you to wear them (with physical and emotional threats) so that you can “see the world properly.” (Translation: see the world as they do.)
I must be a slow learner, but only recently did I wake up to see that people from my past would build themselves up by putting me down. My psyche suffered years of anguish and guilt because I believed the distortions I saw through broken glass. The perps got to feel superior, earned big financial wins, and were largely successful in squelching my spirit.
After a lifetime of words and insistence that I will never be good enough (for the world), I realize that this is simply not true. Moreover, I am discovering that I never needed “glasses” to see the world properly in the first place – my perceptive vision is (and was) 20/20.
While my realizations are mostly an inside job, they were bolstered recently by several acquaintances whose words rang true. Maybe they spoke out because they weren’t looking for personal gain, I don’t know, but I am grateful for what they told me (positive words.)
20/20 vision in comparison…
What makes these words different from the past? They resonate with what my soul knows to be true: I am a loveable, kind, generous (to a fault), attractive, intelligent, passionate, sensitive, empathetic, and exciting person who has much to give. (If you already know this about yourself, I congratulate you for discovering it earlier than I!)
My heart sees (and feels) that the positive words are true, but hearing positive words (with insistence) is so rare that I had to have them repeat them. Even now, it takes an effort to overcome the negative reflections from the past and accept that the love I’ve known was conditional to me being someone I am not.
I now know that my eyesight about the world (and myself) started out fine, but got derailed through emotional attachment to people whose love hinged on me being someone else. Wearing the broken glasses to please them ended up distorting my vision of the world, of myself, of where I fit in the world. At times when I glimpsed an uncorrected vision (and liked it!) – chiding would remind me that they knew me better than I knew myself. I believed that love was conditional on me seeing the world as they did. (I still believe that is true, but now I no longer care!)
Today, I love myself (I know that I am loveable) and that is all that matters. I see the world as I see it and the Royal We (me, myself and I) are happy.
Burying the past…except for the Zombies
What distortions came about with the corrected vision? I heard over and over (by more than one person) that I was too sensitive, too abrasive, took things personally, was not talented enough, unattractive (and reminded that vanity is the work of the devil!), boring, assertive, unlikeable, a bad communicator, a poor mother, had broken intuition and I was downright unlovable. (The latter point made it easy to convince me that I would never find anyone who could ever truly love me and I was lucky to have found said person! No wonder I’ve been a people pleaser!)
One would think that it should be easy to bury the broken glasses today. Unfortunately, people from my past try to prevent me from doing so. Family members insist that I am doomed to eternal damnation because I don’t adhere to their religious edicts (not my truth). The narcissist continues to contacts my friends to be his friend (and they call me to say “WTF is his problem!”) Others continue to try to get me back (to benefit them) years after I stopped the relationships. I guess that’s the nature of controlling, broken glass relationships – a controller needs someone to control.
20/20 vision is incredible!
Living in integrity (treating myself the way that I treat my best friends) is my truth. My intuition celebrates that I trust that my perceptions are true (undistorted) and believe that I deserve love. I am at peace with who I am (and who my friends know). This makes for a satisfying life of self-love, mutual friendship, and trust in oneself. It’s finally nice to know that my vision was 20/20 all along.
Have a great week!